I'm an internet addict. I confess. Email. Facebook. Pinterest. Blogs. I could spend my whole day on the internet most days. I imagine it's a bit like a gambling addiction. I want to keep checking and checking on the off chance that I'll be rewarded-- with a new email, a new Facebook interaction, something new to read.
The internet is an idol in my life. I worship it with my time. It's an idol I often put before God, my responsibilities, and my children. This is starting to sound a bit uglier now.
God started making me aware of my idol about a year and a half ago. I was finding it hard to talk to God. Every time I tried to spend time alone with God, I felt very strongly distracted by my iPad or my computer. Not that I wanted to check my email or something in that moment, it was just a strong picture of a device in my head every time I tried to focus on praying. It was like a prayer's version of writer's block. Eventually, I realized that this was God's way of telling me that I had a problem that He wanted me to deal with. I am very thankful that God can be so patient while I work these things out.
I worked up the courage to make my confession to Hubby, because I knew I'd need his help in addressing my addiction. A price increase for our ISP was a tipping point / opportunity for me. With Hub's support, I cancelled our internet.
It was very eye opening to have no internet at home, as it is the place where I spend most of my time. I do not have 3G or 4G on my phone, so it was really, truly no internet at home for me. I became so much more productive at home, because in all the moments where I would have been looking down at my computer reading, thinking, dreaming, ignoring my children, I started looking up and around and began cleaning, organizing, reading more to my kids and so forth. To my amazement, we had many days where all laundry was clean and put away for the first time in who knows when. Ironically, I even took on and completed my first web design project in years during this no-internet-at home time frame. (Check it out: www.dagcamera.com).
I was happier with no internet at home. But it was a bit complicated, too. I have responsibilities that rely on internet access. And it's my primary way of staying in touch with a number of friends. Not to mention the website I was building. I would try to go somewhere to check my email and deal with any responsibilities at least once a day -- the library or a coffee shop, which usually meant I would leave the boys at home with Mike at some point in the evening so that I could get some things done. My internet usage became much more intentional. I made a prioritized list of things I needed to get done in the amount of time I had, and at best I might have a few minutes left to get on Facebook before heading home. Thankfully, it was summer at the time, so I was able to hire a neighbor girl to come watch the boys a few mornings so I could put in some blocks of work on the website during the day. These were wonderful, refreshing times for me where I felt I could get work done and get a break from the kids. But the evening internet excursions were complicated for our family. And sometimes Hubby needs to work from home. No internet at home is not a sustainable situation for our family at this point in time.
We were internet-less for about a month before we switched to a new ISP. I remember feeling VERY bored with the internet when we got it back. I could SEE what a waste of time it can be. So I was still pretty productive at home for awhile. But addictions/idols are tricky and like to seep back into our lives if we give them a chance.
A few months ago I asked Hubby if we could get rid of internet at home again once our third son was born. I knew I would need help again. He said, "no" because he needs access for work reasons in the mornings and evenings (and because we both really missed being able to watch Netflix together at night). But he also said that he could block internet during the day! It's been over a month now. Maybe two or three months even. It's wonderful. I mean, it's sometimes frustrating, but overall it's wonderful. We have been playing around with the times a bit, and right now internet is blocked from 8:15am to 5:45pm on weekdays. That covers most of Hub's work day, as he usually leaves before 8am and comes home around 6pm. Sometimes the internet is off before I'm even out of bed. I don't think I'm as productive as I was during our internet-free month, but I'm definitely more present at home during the day. And I'm doing more with people. And I'm getting better about making phone calls. These are all things I had been praying about for years since becoming a stay-at-home mom. It's funny how God goes about answering prayers sometimes.
I definitely have plenty of evenings where I am SO ready to check out on the internet. So some nights I do hide in the office and respond to emails and zone out of Facebook and read mom blog after mom blog. And some weekends, I waste wayyyy too much time online. But it's not a day-in-day out trap for me anymore. And many of my habits are changing. I now enjoy eating breakfast in the kitchen while watching the boys play without feeling an incessant need to go online. It feels normal, but I know it's new. And I like it. Moreover, I've been able to hear God a lot more clearly these days as I've made efforts to put this idol aside. And that is awesome.
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And yes, I realize it's ironic that I'm blogging about an internet addiction. But I've also learned that I don't need internet access to be able to write (type).
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